Desperately seeking support...please

I am desperately trying to understand what has happened to my life. Please, I anyone can help me I will listen. I have been married for 35 years , have 5 children and love my husband . I have loved him truly for a very long time. My husband has been a good kind man, the hardest worker ( we now know workaholic), lived to please me and his daughters .

He is extremely well liked, strong and kind. This is the man I know. He also is suffering from ACOA Trauma , survivor of child sexual abuse and his mother abandoned him at 4 years of age . He has hidden most of these traumas and 2 years ago he had an emotional/ psychological "breakdown"... fancy words for a severe identity midlife crisis. He abandoned this family , quit his job, had an affair and landed himself is hospital after a 9 month run. He was insane . He desperately tries to fix this marriage ..

He has done 100% of what has been asked , he is extremely sorry and he is trying to fix his life. He has faithfully attended therapy . However, there is an incredible amount of money missing from the credit line. he refuses to be accountable for this money .. and tries to blame me . Devastating . I discovered a trail of casino withdrawals ..

Up to 4 casinos in 1 night. ( I can see this on online banking ) . He admits to "some gambling " ( because the proof is printed off and on his desk ), but minimizes and blames shifts. He has 18 months to come clean about this money ... but I am told he cannot face "self betrayal" and has extreme issues with perceived "punishments " etc.. I cannot fix a marriage on lies and debris .. but he will not tell me . He sounds like a real a&&....

Trust me, he is a great man. He handed over all bank accounts, all credit cards, all debit cards of his own free will 18 months ago... and as far as I can tell has not been in a casino. I can not describe the pain we are in here ... but still , he will not tell the truth. What is happening here? I cannot imagine how this happened .. how did I not see this happening ? Why continue to lie ? WHY WHY? what can I do as his wife.. I do not want to lose this family or history ...

BUT I WILL WALK AWAY if he cannot face this, be accountable , remorse etc ...

Please . Advice ... comments , insights ... anything

prokopton's picture

I was a compulsive gambler

I was a compulsive gambler for 20 years. I only overcame it when I addressed the root cause of the addiction. IMO, he hasn't addressed the root cause of his gambling addiction. His gambling is a symptom of something deeper.

Thank you for your comment

Thank you for your comment ... I do appreciate and totally agree . Totally . Nothing will make him face this ... I have tried . I am left with nothing but a road to divorce . What made you finally face this about yourself? I have print outs for 5 YEARS ( as far back as I can go on computer ) of cash withdrawals to the tune of over 200,000.00 . ... and most attached to casino. FACTS . I can do no more . His affair destroyed everything ... and now this . He refuses to face . I have no where to go but out.

prokopton's picture

I really didn't know what

I really didn't know what caused my gambling addiction until I learned that my drug addiction and gambling addiction were rooted in the same cause. There's a book coming out next month that will be available on this site. It will explain gambling addiction in depth.

For me, I was evicted several times from my home. I was tired of the yo-yo lifestyle of the compulsive gambler. I had nothing to show for. I got tired of being tired, as the saying goes.

For your husband, it could be PTSD and unresolved past issues he's suppressing. These may be manifesting as addiction. Just guessing, as I'm not a psychologist.

Best regards.

thank you . I will watch for

thank you . I will watch for the book . My husband is in entensive therapy . Since I am not present during these sessions , I am not sure he has made therapist aware of this issue . He started counselling to uncover reasons for affair . Our marriage counsellor has given him deadlines ( twice now ) to go thru the printouts and disclose where this money went . He agrees to do it, but WILL NOT actually do it .

I worry that he CANNOT do it and it will never happen . I worry about suicide if he is continually pushed . But ... there is no marriage to fiz if he cannot be honest and transparent .

Seeking support!

I've been married for 46years and have had a problem with gambling. It started in a small seemingly harmless way and over time became a compulsion,causing a lot of stress.Finally gave up my bank card and have been doing better.My husband has been very patient and understanding and has respect for the efforts I'm making to deal with the problem.

I can imagine what a shock this must have been for you,especially as you loved and respected your husband through 35years of marriage,< and probably never thought < like me> that this could happen.>You've given him a lot of credit for that which is good,.It's hard to be strong when you feel so let down but it sounds as if you really want to be.I found coming on this site to be quite a comfort.It's a kind of release to talk about your feelings instead of letting them build up.

Whatever mess your husband has got himself into,he has taken some big steps towards getting better.It's early days for him to adjust to having admitted to it. There is a lot of guilt to handle too,but Maybe he'll open up more during therapy and if he's given a bit of breathing space to work out how he can put things right.i hope he can manage to do this.

I wish you my very best and hope you can work through this.Stay strong and well.