Found this site after looking for protective payee


Hello

I am a compulsive gambler

A few years ago after I returned to Washington state I had a lot of debts, none of them gambling related, and I filed for bankruptcy. After my debts were discharged I suddenly had a lot of money, I went to the Muckleshoot Casino and had fun. One day a few weeks later I played all night and won about $1600 on roulette and I was hooked. This was in 2003. Ever since then I have been getting more and more out of control with my gambling.

I visited a Mental Health Counselor a few weeks agoand she sent me to the ER because I told her I was so despondent that wanted to eat Star Fruit. I have renal failure and Star fruit is very toxic and often fatal to people with poorly functioning kidneys. I had to go through the whole suicide watch thing which was very humiliating.

I then started seeing a psychotherapist and journaling, which was ok until this Friday I went to the Casino and lost $460 which doesn't seem like a lot but I don't make that much money and I paid my rent last month late. Actually I take home about 2600 per month but with the gambling and pay day loans I usually have nothing left. My son who is the anti gambler says I live like a homeless person even though I make more money than he does, he is always loaning me money another source of shame and embarrassment.

I was thinking about the money I lost this week and it occured to me that I really don't want to stop gambling-- I want to stop losing. I know I say to my therapist that I want to stop gambling and it sounds right, but deep in the pit of my soul I don't want to stop gambling. If I could win occasionally I would never stop, but I never win, and when I say never--I mean never. Even when I win I stay there and lose it all and that is only about 1% of the time. The other 99% I don't win anything to even lose.

I was looking for a protective payee organization because I am at the point of having somebody manage my money because I don't trust myself anymore that is how I came upon this site. I hope one day to not want to gamble but I do still want to gamble, I suppose when the day arrives when I don't want to gamble, win or lose, that is the day I will start to recover. Reading about the crimes commited by gamblers gave me a chilling feeling, I keep thinking I could never do something like that but now I think it is totally possible that I can commit a crime, if I don't do something, and that makes me feel sick. For now I am still journaling and seeing a therapist.

This site is great, no bells and whistles, just the gut wrenching stories of gamblers. It is really helpful to me. Also I hate Gamblers Anonymous, I wish I didn't and I wish I could go--but it really rubs me the wrong way, and I don't believe it will help me in the long run. I would love to find an inpatient program but they don't seem to have any in Washington State and I am not going to sit in groups with alcoholics and drug addicts (like I did with Smart Recovery)--the addictions are the same but it is hard to relate to their stories. Sometimes I think it would be better to an alcoholic or drug addict. Compusive gambling is the worst one of all.
St


prokopton's picture

One day at a time. The money

One day at a time.

The money you've lost is gone. Accept it and live for the future.


Hope

The past is the past. Move on with hope and optimism. You have your health. Know that Gambling is a big deception we buy into. Communicating is like letting the light in. you'll see things more clearly with it. Also, check out the blog Noeasymony.blogsot.com. It has some great commentary.