I am a compulsive gambler
A few years ago after I returned to Washington state I had a lot of debts, none of them gambling related, and I filed for bankruptcy. After my debts were discharged I suddenly had a lot of money, I went to the Muckleshoot Casino and had fun. One day a few weeks later I played all night and won about $1600 on roulette and I was hooked. This was in 2003. Ever since then I have been getting more and more out of control with my gambling.
I visited a Mental Health Counselor a few weeks agoand she sent me to the ER because I told her I was so despondent that wanted to eat Star Fruit. I have renal failure and Star fruit is very toxic and often fatal to people with poorly functioning kidneys. I had to go through the whole suicide watch thing which was very humiliating.
I then started seeing a psychotherapist and journaling, which was ok until this Friday I went to the Casino and lost $460 which doesn't seem like a lot but I don't make that much money and I paid my rent last month late. Actually I take home about 2600 per month but with the gambling and pay day loans I usually have nothing left. My son who is the anti gambler says I live like a homeless person even though I make more money than he does, he is always loaning me money another source of shame and embarrassment.
I was thinking about the money I lost this week and it occured to me that I really don't want to stop gambling-- I want to stop losing. I know I say to my therapist that I want to stop gambling and it sounds right, but deep in the pit of my soul I don't want to stop gambling. If I could win occasionally I would never stop, but I never win, and when I say never--I mean never. Even when I win I stay there and lose it all and that is only about 1% of the time. The other 99% I don't win anything to even lose.
I was looking for a protective payee organization because I am at the point of having somebody manage my money because I don't trust myself anymore that is how I came upon this site. I hope one day to not want to gamble but I do still want to gamble, I suppose when the day arrives when I don't want to gamble, win or lose, that is the day I will start to recover. Reading about the crimes commited by gamblers gave me a chilling feeling, I keep thinking I could never do something like that but now I think it is totally possible that I can commit a crime, if I don't do something, and that makes me feel sick. For now I am still journaling and seeing a therapist.
This site is great, no bells and whistles, just the gut wrenching stories of gamblers. It is really helpful to me. Also I hate Gamblers Anonymous, I wish I didn't and I wish I could go--but it really rubs me the wrong way, and I don't believe it will help me in the long run. I would love to find an inpatient program but they don't seem to have any in Washington State and I am not going to sit in groups with alcoholics and drug addicts (like I did with Smart Recovery)--the addictions are the same but it is hard to relate to their stories. Sometimes I think it would be better to an alcoholic or drug addict. Compusive gambling is the worst one of all.