My 50th Time quitting


I finally quit gambling yesterday. But.....

 

I have said this everytime I lose my last dollar. I posted in another forum the last time I quit for good. The post is below. This was originally posted in a now defunct forum, but I figured it might help someone. This below was posted June 20, 2006. I remember thinking I was 100% done gambling. Little did I know....... I will post my last 3 months of hell in the next post.

 

Orginally posted June 20, 2006: Wow, I'm still in shock. I joined partypoker about 2 years ago and have lost about $3,000 US total over that time. My last deposit was $1,000 on Saturday, this was going to win me all my money back so I could quit even. So I get that great high when I do my deposit and it felt great, I go into a $600 dollar table and go down $90 on my first hand. I slowed the pace but I was raising almost every hand thinking I have to hit sooner or later, I had to rebuy about 10 times to keep my stack close to $600, so when I double up I get max profits (GOD I STUPID), and somehow within 1 hour I was down to $40. I kept $40 so I could go waste it on the casino.

So I logged into the Casino side of Partypoker and opened Roulette, which I have never played, I'm a no-limit gambler. So I open roulete and put $2 on 0 Green, I repeat 3 times no luck, then I hit it and was up to almost $100. So I continue the Roulette table hit another O Green and was up around $180, then I added a 9 and 19 ($2 bets each) and actually hit 2 (9's) and 3 (19's) I was in shock. I closed roulette and switched to Video Poker. I was at $500 roughly and won another $250 on Video Poker. I closed the casino and excitedly switched to No Limit.

My final hand of Online Poker is below, I went to the $2000 table, I put all my money in, and blinds where 10/20.

I'm in BB so $20 is in pot. Someone raised to $50, I called with a J 6 suited. Flop comes J J 6, I was very happy, I raised $40, someone raised me $150, I was VERY HAPPY NOW. I re-raised to $300, I prayed he would call, and he went ALL IN ($750). I called of course with a full house on the flop. He showed, he had J 8 , Turn was a 3, river was an 8. My jaw dropped, I closed Party Poker, Went to add/remove programs and uninstalled the software. I will never play poker for money again.

I was so close to having $1,500 which would have payed half my gambling off, I probably would have try to double that and would have lost it all anyways, but it was painful losing that way.

 

 


Current Day and my last 3 months.

That was 3 months ago. I thought I was addicted as bad as I could have ever been. I was wrong. For the 2 years I was gambling, I didn't even feel like I was doing anything wrong. Then one day I realized it was a problem. Since that day, I have been living a life of hell. I think about gambling almost all day. After quitting June 20, I mad it about 3 weeks, then I decided to try again and see if I could control myself. LOL

I burned thru a few hundred and quit again. I did this about 10 times, everytime I would feel worse and worse. I lied to my wife almost everyday about poker and I was using any money I could get to put into gambling.

It was weird, every time I would deposit money, I would get this crazy high. I can't even explain it. Do people that play slots feel that way when they put money into a machine?

I also had this weird feeling when I hit $0.00, which happened everytime. I couldn't even leave with $1.00. It was like my brain was telling me I had to lose it all. So after I lose all my money, I always feel horrible, and I get that other feeling (some of you know what I mean).

I could keep typing for hours, because I have so much on my mind.

My goal is to come here everyday. I did quit yesterday, I I'm gonna make every effort to stay clean. 

Quit while your behind.


Hello Blue!!!!!! Welcome.

Hello Blue!!!!!!

Welcome.

My credit card is paid off and I sometimes get the urge to gamble. I've been clean since April 11, 2006. I now have money in the bank and my credit card is paid off. When this happened in the past, I found myself gambling. That's the reason I'm here.

If you have a lot on your mind, keep writing and writing and writiing. The answers will come out. If they don't, someone here can give you suggestions or advice.

You're not alone in your struggle. There are millions out there like yourself and I: compulsive gamblers who keep gambling until their last dollar is gone.

You haven't hit rock bottom yet. You don't have to. Most people do before they realize how bad the problem really is. Only to go through the same process again. As the old saying goes, "Some people never learn." This doesn't have to be any one here. We can learn from each other.

Try to find out what the triggers are.

 

Later.

Bach

Clean since April 11, 2006.


Welcome Blue!

Hello Blue and welcome! 

I'm back again, reading all the posts and hoping that this time the message sinks deep inside my brain that I CANNOT gamble!  I had a very bad slip last night and today feel like I'm in a gambling hangover.  My emotions are everywhere with tears always close at hand.  I probably got home at around this time last night after I lost a pile of money.  Having not slept very well, I'm very tired today and slept most of the evening.  Sleep is good, you can't gamble while asleep.  Still, I can picture myself all too clearly as if looking at a stranger in a trance stuffing bill after bill after bill in that machine.  I don't think it matters if we lose control online or at the slots, the results are the same, the habit is just as dangerous and overall the symtoms are similar.

Blue like you, I have quit several times, most recently having a 2 month quit in May.  Now I'll be on my own most evenings for awhile and that will make it difficult for me to not go and gamble.  Today, I had no desire to gamble, still feeling like I want to throw up at what I did last night.  God..... I've felt this way so many times and each and every time I vow I will never do it again.  Then like you Bach, I start feeling that I am getting a handle over my money and that I actually have some control and somewhere in my brain, I talk myself into thinking I can do it again.  I've proven to myself that I NOT only can't do it but that I'm in danger of losing everything that I've worked for in my life if I don't stop.

I'm rambling here and hope I've made some sort of sense.  It was very difficult to admit what I did last night but now that I have, I'm hoping that by writing my thoughts, analyzing, sharing and getting help from the members here that I will be more prepared for the thoughts that have drawn me back in the past.

Tomorrow I will NOT gamble.

Thanks for being here.


It's Friday

Hi All,

It's Friday and I'm sooo cranky.  I have had several thoughts about escaping to the Casino for a few hours.   Weekends are always so hard for me.  I also got paid today and paid  my bills with not much left over.  The whole time I was doing my bills I kept thinking I should wait and pay some on Monday.  That way I would have a few hundred to gamble with, and I could pay my bills on Monday with more than a little left over when (if) I won.  I've resisted and paid everything today.  I need to keep busy this weekend.  I have lots of things to do around the house and I have plans with friends Saturday during the day.  I just need to make it thru each urge.  Part of what helps me besides this site is I use to really do that sometimes.  If I won I could control myself and take most of my winnings home.  The last three times I won I lost everything each time, if I won I just played longer. I hardly stopped for anything bathroom breaks, eating and hurried from machine to machine in a trance. I truly believe in my heart that if I won, no matter how much I won, I would come home broke.   I'm not going to do that this weekend.  I'll keep all of you in my thoughts. 

-Karen


wow what a common thread

wow what a common thread going through these posts that we all relate too,the expectation,heart rush of being in action ,leading to taking bigger risks in a all or nothing headlongcrash and burnout when the inevitable happens  busted badly.the government should pay people not to go gambling,like when they rebate the motorway tollroad cost.or what about warnings like cigarete packets carry in big letters over every poker game and casino tables,yeah that sounds great,,,danger dont do it you will be sorry...your going into a very scary place if you put that bet on...ala apocolypse now...the horror  the horror